| Hands, Like Secrets, Are the Hardest Things to Keep From You |
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| A dream of togetherness, turned into a brighter mess |
[30 Jun 2009|11:40pm] |
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It's been too long, el jay and associated friends. I miss you. Hope you are doing well. I am.
The rents are out of town for almost two weeks, visiting my favorite aunt up in Virgina just because they had points toward free plane tickets that were going to expire. Wish I could have gone with them, but it cost mulah and I have to work. Finally opened my availability and they gave me a few more hours- almost quadruple this week, actually. Mixed feelings about this, because I am très lazy, but I could use the money.
Been fixing my car for the past few days- she desperately needed a new suspension, and Brenton volunteered. So my garage looks like a toolchest exploded around my jacked-up car. It's frustrating work. I try to help, but sometimes I get in the way more than anything, and when he's stressed, Brent can be shirty about it. But otherwise, we're good. Better lately, if anything. After my horribly botched attempt to explain via letter that I would really like a little Romance and sweetness out of him- a difficult subject, because for one, I am a hopeless, hopeless Romantic and Brenton is pretty much the exact opposite, so I end up feeling starved for romance, and for another, because we have different views of caring for someone, or expressing it, I guess. For example, him fixing my car is a huge, wonderful gift to me, and I really appreciate it; but all the same, buying me flowers would probably mean more to me. This goes against logic, and I'm pretty sure Brenton doesn't see any sense in it. But hey, I can pay a mechanic to fix my car. I can't pay anyone to execute simple acts of romance that have no purpose other than to display affection for someone. Or maybe you can, I don't know. But it wouldn't mean anything unless it came from Brenton. Anyway, I digress. After the Letter Incident, similar to Chernobyl on a scale of Things That Went Well, he actually has been sweeter, and I feel really close to him again. It's amazing how tiny little things can fill me with such satisfaction, such complete happiness. A kiss on my hand. A sleepy-mumbled "I love you". A hand asking to hold mine, when I know he doesn't like holding hands very much. So I am a little torn between knocking my head against the wall repeatedly after the initial letter Incident Reaction, or being reluctantly glad I did it, because it kind of helped...
In other news, and totally out of left field, my father suggested and then set up a 4-day cruise for me ans Brenton. Alone. Talk about odd. It came about when my parents were talking about going on a cruise with an organization my dad belongs to, and I asked if I was invited. This cruise was his counter-offer. I think I can out of top of that one, you guys. So it goes to Nassau and Coco Cay in the Bahamas. In August, a few days after the Coldplay concert I am taking Brenton to for his 21st Birthday. Awesome. For the first time possibly ever, I can't wait for most of summer to be over. :)
That's all I have to say tonight, folks. Let me know how you're doing. <3
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[02 Jun 2009|09:58pm] |
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I am really good at saying the wrong things, and bad at making up for them. FML.
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| John Mayer, never leave me |
[06 May 2009|12:59am] |
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John Mayer- home life |
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So, I thought I was tired after watching Star Wars with Brent, but then I drove home listening to John Mayer and somewhere between then and brushing my teeth I got a boost in energy- the excited, do-something kind. I think it's the thinking about the trip that did it. We leave for Georgia on Thursday,Brenton and I. Visiting his friends Nicole and Drew, celebrating their graduation with them, and then the four of us are going camping in North Carolina. I'm really looking forward to it. I have to remind myself to take a journal with me- I always enjoy writing about trips as they happen.
I'm trying to think of other things going on but everything I come up with is boring or too complicated for the amount of effort I feel like putting into writing it. Brenton is suddenly freaking out every time the word "marriage" or anything related is mentioned, to my bafflement. He's the one who wanted to have the marriage/kids conversation a couple months ago, but now he's skittish if the topic is brought up, in no relation at all to me or him or us? What the hell?
I really don't feel like discussing the insecurity issues this may or may not be giving me. In fact, I think I'll quit this entry while I'm ahead. Suffice it to say, I'm doing okay right now, and I'm really excited for summer. I miss all my friends that have been away at school or just busy, and can't wait to hang out with everyone when I get back from Georgia. Hope you all are doing wellll!
(Also, an observation: one's Asian Drama watching increases exponentially with the introduction of a Drama-watching room mate. :)
ALSO ALSO HEEYYY KIDS. I NEED NEW MUSIC. REC ME SOME PLEASE.
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| This icon brought to you by the mention of Sunshine. And because I still love Cillian's face. |
[17 Apr 2009|08:32am] |
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Sarah Mclachlan- Sweet Surrender |
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Quick update. I don't really have time for a solid post, but I feel like it. :)
Yesterday was going to suck- I was sure of it. I worked, and had less fun classes, and an appointment with my advisor, and probably wouldn't see Brenton. But! It was actually a pretty good day. Astronomy was awesome, we talked about black holes and the fabric of spacetime- one of my favorite space subjects. I even learned the reason Sunshine was accurate towards the end of the movie- time is slower near large objects, because their gravity bends spacetime. I think this stuff is awesome. Yes, I am a giant nerd.
My Music and the Brian class was a concert by the teacher- a famous Japanese Violinist, and another professor- a pianist. Very cool.
My advisor appointment was neither scary nor worrying. I have a lot of freedom to choose classes, I declared a minor in psychology, and I can apply to the Ad/PR major this summer. Way ahead of schedule. Still need to pick classes, though.
Saw Brent for lunch (well, his lunch. I got a smoothie with a kid from M&B that I ran into that's pretty cool.) and then I was in a good mood, so work wasn't as torturous as usual. Then Brent was waiting for me outside of Kohl's, and we went back t my house, where I finished writing my play for Creative Writing (my last assignment! This is both happy and sad.) And Rachel and I are going to have an Asian Drama marathon tonight. Really excited. Think I'm going to make her watch Devil Beside You, because I heard the theme song on my iPod yesterday, and also, Coffee Prince is down on Mysoju. :/ Think that's it. More to tell, maybe, but that's for another post. A special-locked one, perhaps. Good stuff. :)
<333
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| Mash Game: Predict Your Future at eSPIN-the-Bottle |
[13 Apr 2009|12:18am] |
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I will marry Brenton. |
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After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in BFE in our fabulous Apartment. |
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We will have 2 kid(s) together. |
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Our family will zoom around in a blue Ranger. |
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I will spend my days as a prostitute, and live happily ever after. |
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[26 Mar 2009|12:28am] |
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 in love |
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Brenton used the phrase "married in the eyes of the lord" tonight, and my heart did a somersault into my stomach. I've heard those words so many times growing up; to hear him say them did strange, lovely things to me. Oh dear.
I've skipped two of three Public relations classes so far this week in favor of seeing him. Granted, PR is a joke of a class, but my good girl principles are not easily overcome.
I love this boy too much. ♥
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[18 Mar 2009|11:47pm] |
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today was a bad day.
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| Just Dance! |
[04 Feb 2009|11:06pm] |
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music |
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just dance- lady gaga |
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Today was a good day- as was yesterday. Spent a lot of time with Brenton. He makes me really, really happy. :)
Felt relatively prepared for the three tests I took (and was correct in thinking so, at least in the case of my Psych class, on which test I got a 92- the others aren't graded yet), and had a fun time with Shannon, Brenton's friend who is a little crazy, but a lot of fun. She got me to make a video of us dancing today. Want to see? heh. We're silly. And those posters in the background belong to Brent's roommates, fyi. Classy bunch.
We're starting creative non-fiction in my creative writing class, and I'm excited.
Not a whole lot else to say- just that I'm happy and hope you all are too. ♥
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[27 Jan 2009|11:28pm] |
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I'm really too tired to be updating, but I feel like I need to.
Past few days have been good; Brent and I have talked about a lot of different things, and I don't know if that's the reason, or at least the only one, but I'm happy. I love when he references the future, somehow. Like when I was talking about his snoring, he told me I better get used to it, or when I mentioned my fear of bugs, he said that would be a problem if/when we go camping. :) And then, the other night, we were discussing back burners- that is, people we have "set up" to replace each other if things went sour between us (he was joking that all his back burners were abandoning him) and he said that these people he'd mentioned would only happen if death or other unforeseen circumstances caused us to part, and then it would be a way to assuage grief, and be something he's regret for the rest of his life after that. He added, "Did you like that? 'Death or unforeseen circumstances'? I thought of 'til death do us part', but it seemed too cliche." I liked that he said that. A lot. :] Also, he's been very affectionate, which always makes me happier.
The other thing I wanted to post about was my dad. Tomorrow is his surgical procedure, to close the artery that his fourth brain tumor is wrapped around (I have no idea if I've brought any on this up before, guys. But he's had three brain tumors in the part, all taken out or killed in various ways and now this one is near his optic nerve and a big artery, so they have to close the artery to cut it out with the tumor, since they are twined together This procedure is the first part; the removal of the tumor comes later.) Anyway, it's dangerous, and I'm scared, and my dad is making jokes like he's going to die, and we need your prayers, if you're so inclined. I had a horrible thought tonight, while we were driving home from the SAK Comedy Club, and Brenton had laid his head in my lap in the back seat and gone to sleep; I was musing how happy I was, looking down at him, and I thought,"What if this is the last time I'm truly happy, that everything is right in my life, for a long time?" If something happens to my dad... I am trying not to think about it.
But I am really tired now, and I need to shower and sleep. I'll keep you posted on everything.
Love,
Cory
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| I guess that long post gave me the craving to update more |
[06 Jan 2009|01:29am] |
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 contemplative |
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mono- Fightstar |
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Today was a middle day. It wasn't great, although I enjoyed seeing Sarah, Eddie, and Kelsey, along with Deryk and Brent later; and it wasn't a bad day, although it was a bit dull in places and I couldn't shake an odd sensation of loneliness- the origins of which I can't place. The times when I found myself alone, mostly driving, I was thinking a lot. Had a talk with God- nothing I hadn't prayed about before, but it gave me a boost that I'd needed.
It's a little weird-feeling, praying out loud in the car, hearing yourself speak instead of thinking it, sometimes finding words you didn't know you needed to say until you hear them in your own voice. I think I've altered my view of things, a little. Talking with the gang and then Brent afterwards, it occurred to me that relationships really do take work- the important ones, anyway. It's not as simple as "I like spending time with you, let's be together." It's learning who they are, and who you are in their eyes- maybe even who you are in your own eyes, and sometimes discovering that you don't look as good to them as you thought you did, or, oppositely, that there's room for improvement on their part. And that may mean that you work harder, to be yourself, but the best version of yourself you can be, and hope that you'll be good enough to deserve them, that they'll count themselves as blessed to have you as you do them. Or it may mean that you work with them to correct what could be better, to point out what's bothering you and make it right. Perhaps both at the same time. But either way, it takes a clarity of perspective and a will to make the effort, to grow. Here's to hoping we grow together. ♥
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| Or maybe I've just changed. Who knows. |
[05 Jan 2009|11:57am] |
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Oh, wow. Going back and reading livejournal posts from a few weeks to a few months ago is alarming and I just want to go back in time and shake myself, snap me out of it. Because I had no idea what I was doing, and the things I was feeling- while real and enormous at the time- were actually small and fairly insignificant even, in some places. I think sometimes I wanted to feel or be or do something so much that I convinced myself I was, if that makes any sense. Yes, some experiences were necessary, a setting up and breaking-in to new things, things I was entirely clueless about, no matter what books I'd read or what I thought I knew. If I didn't have those experiences, I wouldn't be able to stand where I am, but that doesn't mean they were that monumental. simply part of a growth process that I'm sure everyone goes through. The things I wrote in my live journal....I don't agree with them anymore. I want to go into each one and edit it, reform the words into sense and reality, through the lens of retrospection. But I know I shouldn't, since that's what I wrote and felt at the time, and I shouldn't erase what came from the heart; even if it was a heart that was fooling itself.
But everything is so different now. As if.... before, I was feeling the trickle of water through a faucet, and calling it a flood. Or light through a keyhole and calling it the sun. It's that ridiculously different.
Just. *facepalm*
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[03 Jan 2009|04:12pm] |
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jason Mraz- you and I both |
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gip, because I found Cillian icons and omg, have I missed my Secret Irish Boyfriend. This is his "Really, bitch?" face. And yet he is still so pretty. :]
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| We Already Know... |
[02 Jan 2009|05:12pm] |
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I made a tumblr. It needs work. But I like it.
I wrote a livejournal post on receipt paper at work a few days ago that I need to post. I'll do that after I clean my room and kill myself to be rid of allergies. ugg, my sinuses.
My new years was good, and I hope yours was as well! <3
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| Little Update |
[16 Nov 2008|12:49am] |
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Good day, today. Went to Universal with Brenton and his best friend Deryk, and the three of us get along great. We all make fun of each other pretty equally, but none of us take it seriously or get offended, and we mess with each other. And Deryk's personality is so strong that he didn't seem to feel like a third wheel, even when Brent and I were kissing and hugging and touching the whole day. :)
Then, we parted ways briefly to get cleaned up and Nicole came over, so that together we could proceed to Brent's dorm, where we finished watching Shawshank Redemption because Nicole really wanted to see the rest, and then hung out the rest of the night. It was fun. We thought Nicole and Deryk would get along really well, but maybe they were too alike, because they argued and dug at each other the whole night, and when questioned seperately, said they enjoyed themselves but didn't really care one way or the other about each other. Oh well.
Hoping tomorrow is also a good day, but I'm dead tired now. Night!
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[12 Nov 2008|10:42pm] |
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You know what I love? Forgetting to do online homework for honors symposium. And then when I got to do it, it taking 5,000 years to load. That's my favorite.
Otherwise, though. Otherwise, I can't even remember being this happy. ♥
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| bored at school! |
[09 Oct 2008|08:26am] |
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plan b- mute math |
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Updating from capmus today! Sitting in front of the fountain, enjoying the free wifi and the company of my ipod. My 9:00 class was cancelled, but I had to get up for my 7:30 statistic class. joy. I should probably be studying for my geology test later today, but I don't feel like it. Look, I'll show you my view instead! Go-go-gadget webcam!
Skateboarders keep zooming past me and I have to squash the urge to stick a leg out and send them flying. Down, evil tendencies, down.
So, maybe going to busch gardens saturday with Rachel, her soon-to-not-be-ex-anymore boyfriend (the one who broke her heart, but now wants her back and she loves him and is forgiving him and I am destroyed by envy and the similarity of circumstance that ends now) and brenton. But whether I go with them or not, I have a platonic date with skylar gaspa, a boy from my AP govt class that I am so in love with, minus any romantic feelings. He's like a teddy bear, and I'm so excited to see him.
ION, I'mm turning 19 in 5 days, and my birthday present came early- I now have unlimited text messaging!! Finally. I'm thrilled. Brent got me hooked on Twitter already, so if any of you use it, my sn on it is the same as here. If you have unlimited and don't know what twitter is, I suggest you check it out. It's fun. :)
Yesterday I was so bored at work I started composing haiku; my coworkers were amused. My favorite is:
Dear Kohl's Customer,
the 1990's called you-
they want their hair back.
Haha.
How mad am I that gossip girls wasn't on this week? Very mad.
How are you, flist? Have a meme:
What was your favorite color as a child, and what smell never fails to trigger a memory of your childhood?
I'll go first- I used to love purple a whole lot, and I have a lipbalm that smells and tastes exactly like the lowfat lemon girl scout cookies they used to make- I loved those things. But they don't make them anymore, so it makes me nostalgic for them when I use the lipbalm.
Your turn!
<3
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| Rambling poets, manic with vision; we are the drivers and yet we feel driven |
[30 Aug 2008|10:44pm] |
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Of Monsters And Heroes And Men by James (my new favorite band) |
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I keep meaning to update about CoLlEgE and everything, but everytime I find myself available, I'm too tired. So, to sum up, I had a good first week, made at least 2 really good friends, hung out with old and new friends nearly everyday, was pranked and pulled a prank in return, and missed The Boy a lot. Details like schedule changes and repressed angst will have to come later. (or not at all, if I can help it.)
Also, I nearly took half my big toenail off in a game of human fooseball. I'm like Nearly Headless Nick, only, toenail-wise. Oh, college. Why do I feel our relationship is never going to be mild, but insead will fluctate between fantastic and disasterous?
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| heyyyy my writing friends! |
[15 Aug 2008|01:31am] |
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 trying not to think about it |
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different stars- Trespassers William |
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I need a beta reader for this poem that I wrote and kind of like but it's super rough. Also, it's a little emo. But I think I'm allowed that?
( please? )
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