Hands, · Like · Secrets, · Are · the · Hardest · Things · to · Keep · From · You

The word of the day is Dynamic. As in, I need to be dynamic to a degree that is nearly impossible if everything is going to work.

Time to step up to the plate and be an adult, in every level of my life. God give me strength.

Sitting in my advertising class, waiting for it to start. Just came from having lunch- and more importantly, a long conversation with Brenton. I think we're (or more likely, I) am getting better at communicating ideas and viewpoints that disagree without getting emotionally tangled or defensive or aggressive or misunderstanding. It was nice, and intellectually refreshing. We talked about Cassi (his ex), and my parents, and Rachel, and why people stay in relationships that don't make them more happy than unhappy, and why Brenton is not one of those people. His arguments and reasons are logical...so maybe that's why is is such an odd creature; most people don't. We came to to conclusion that most people would rather have the happiness they can get, even if that means having more bad than good, because without it, they're neutral, they have nothing, and that's boring. Brent is not like that because he is incapable of being neutral. If his main source of happiness is taken away, he has the capability of creating his own happiness, and of finding it elsewhere. He won't stay in a situation where he is more than 50% unhappy because of that situation. Of course it comes down to statistics with him. :p

Anyway. After our recent concersations about men and the way they think, and my struggle to process all of that, accept it, and be ok with it, I'm finally starting to level out and not want to bash my head in when I look at a situation in this new perspective, or feel really bitter that my hopeful, optimistic girly perspective is a Lie or Stupid or something that is used against me. That's not completely gone yet, but I'm working on it. Sometimes I really wish I could be a lesbian- life would be so much easier. Women just want to be loved, while boys want to be loved and desired and want sex and pride and fun without strings, and to be better than other guys, and not to settle down, for the most part. Stupid boys.

But anyway. I'm doing well, and hope you all are too.

I'll try to update more, there is more going on, but it gets tedious when it's going on in RL, so I don't feel like talking about it here.
Just a brief tally of some events:
-My mom left for her 3 week trip to Europe today
-I started painting more; currently working on a surreal piece of jellyfish and an octopus versus- wait for it... venus flytraps. yeah, it looks about at crazy as it sounds. :)
-I hate my job at Kohl's, and need to get another. My mom is pushing me to go to a temp agency and get work through that. It is one of those things I find very hard to get done. Like trying to move a brick wall. That's what it feel like. Ugg.

Mkay, all I have time for now. See you.

It's been too long, el jay and associated friends. I miss you. Hope you are doing well. I am.

The rents are out of town for almost two weeks, visiting my favorite aunt up in Virgina just because they had points toward free plane tickets that were going to expire. Wish I could have gone with them, but it cost mulah and I have to work. Finally opened my availability and they gave me a few more hours- almost quadruple this week, actually. Mixed feelings about this, because I am très lazy, but I could use the money.

Been fixing my car for the past few days- she desperately needed a new suspension, and Brenton volunteered. So my garage looks like a toolchest exploded around my jacked-up car. It's frustrating work. I try to help, but sometimes I get in the way more than anything, and when he's stressed, Brent can be shirty about it. But otherwise, we're good. Better lately, if anything. After my horribly botched attempt to explain via letter that I would really like a little Romance and sweetness out of him- a difficult subject, because for one, I am a hopeless, hopeless Romantic and Brenton is pretty much the exact opposite, so I end up feeling starved for romance, and for another, because we have different views of caring for someone, or expressing it, I guess. For example, him fixing my car is a huge, wonderful gift to me, and I really appreciate it; but all the same, buying me flowers would probably mean more to me. This goes against logic, and I'm pretty sure Brenton doesn't see any sense in it. But hey, I can pay a mechanic to fix my car. I can't pay anyone to execute simple acts of romance that have no purpose other than to display affection for someone. Or maybe you can, I don't know. But it wouldn't mean anything unless it came from Brenton. Anyway, I digress. After the Letter Incident, similar to Chernobyl on a scale of Things That Went Well, he actually has been sweeter, and I feel really close to him again. It's amazing how tiny little things can fill me with such satisfaction, such complete happiness. A kiss on my hand. A sleepy-mumbled "I love you". A hand asking to hold mine, when I know he doesn't like holding hands very much. So I am a little torn between knocking my head against the wall repeatedly after the initial letter Incident Reaction, or being reluctantly glad I did it, because it kind of helped...

In other news, and totally out of left field, my father suggested and then set up a 4-day cruise for me ans Brenton. Alone. Talk about odd. It came about when my parents were talking about going on a cruise with an organization my dad belongs to, and I asked if I was invited. This cruise was his counter-offer. I think I can out of top of that one, you guys. So it goes to Nassau and Coco Cay in the Bahamas. In August, a few days after the Coldplay concert I am taking Brenton to for his 21st Birthday. Awesome. For the first time possibly ever, I can't wait for most of summer to be over. :)

That's all I have to say tonight, folks. Let me know how you're doing. <3

So, I thought I was tired after watching Star Wars with Brent, but then I drove home listening to John Mayer and somewhere between then and brushing my teeth I got a boost in energy- the excited, do-something kind. I think it's the thinking about the trip that did it. We leave for Georgia on Thursday,Brenton and I. Visiting his friends Nicole and Drew, celebrating their graduation with them, and then the four of us are going camping in North Carolina. I'm really looking forward to it. I have to remind myself to take a journal with me- I always enjoy writing about trips as they happen.

I'm trying to think of other things going on but everything I come up with is boring or too complicated for the amount of effort I feel like putting into writing it. Brenton is suddenly freaking out every time the word "marriage" or anything related is mentioned, to my bafflement. He's the one who wanted to have the marriage/kids conversation a couple months ago, but now he's skittish if the topic is brought up, in no relation at all to me or him or us? What the hell?

I really don't feel like discussing the insecurity issues this may or may not be giving me. In fact, I think I'll quit this entry while I'm ahead. Suffice it to say, I'm doing okay right now, and I'm really excited for summer. I miss all my friends that have been away at school or just busy, and can't wait to hang out with everyone when I get back from Georgia. Hope you all are doing wellll!

(Also, an observation: one's Asian Drama watching increases exponentially with the introduction of a Drama-watching room mate. :)

ALSO ALSO HEEYYY KIDS. I NEED NEW MUSIC. REC ME SOME PLEASE.

Quick update. I don't really have time for a solid post, but I feel like it. :)

Yesterday was going to suck- I was sure of it. I worked, and had less fun classes, and an appointment with my advisor, and probably wouldn't see Brenton. But! It was actually a pretty good day. Astronomy was awesome, we talked about black holes and the fabric of spacetime- one of my favorite space subjects. I even learned the reason Sunshine was accurate towards the end of the movie- time is slower near large objects, because their gravity bends spacetime. I think this stuff is awesome. Yes, I am a giant nerd.

My Music and the Brian class was a concert by the teacher- a famous Japanese Violinist, and another professor- a pianist. Very cool.

My advisor appointment was neither scary nor worrying. I have a lot of freedom to choose classes, I declared a minor in psychology, and I can apply to the Ad/PR major this summer. Way ahead of schedule. Still need to pick classes, though.

Saw Brent for lunch (well, his lunch. I got a smoothie with a kid from M&B that I ran into that's pretty cool.) and then I was in a good mood, so work wasn't as torturous as usual. Then Brent was waiting for me outside of Kohl's, and we went back t my house, where I finished writing my play for Creative Writing (my last assignment! This is both happy and sad.) And Rachel and I are going to have an Asian Drama marathon tonight. Really excited. Think I'm going to make her watch Devil Beside You, because I heard the theme song on my iPod yesterday, and also, Coffee Prince is down on Mysoju. :/ Think that's it. More to tell, maybe, but that's for another post. A special-locked one, perhaps. Good stuff. :)

<333

		I will marry Brenton.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in BFE in our fabulous Apartment.
		We will have 2 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a blue Ranger.
		I will spend my days as a prostitute, and live happily ever after.

I needed someplace I could put this and access it later- but if you want to read it, I'd love the feedback.

( Violent Delights and Violent Ends )

Today was a good day- as was yesterday. Spent a lot of time with Brenton. He makes me really, really happy. :)

Felt relatively prepared for the three tests I took (and was correct in thinking so, at least in the case of my Psych class, on which test I got a 92- the others aren't graded yet), and had a fun time with Shannon, Brenton's friend who is a little crazy, but a lot of fun. She got me to make a video of us dancing today. Want to see? heh. We're silly. And those posters in the background belong to Brent's roommates, fyi. Classy bunch.

We're starting creative non-fiction in my creative writing class, and I'm excited.

Not a whole lot else to say- just that I'm happy and hope you all are too. ♥

Today was a middle day. It wasn't great, although I enjoyed seeing Sarah, Eddie, and Kelsey, along with Deryk and Brent later; and it wasn't a bad day, although it was a bit dull in places and I couldn't shake an odd sensation of loneliness- the origins of which I can't place. The times when I found myself alone, mostly driving, I was thinking a lot. Had a talk with God- nothing I hadn't prayed about before, but it gave me a boost that I'd needed.

It's a little weird-feeling, praying out loud in the car, hearing yourself speak instead of thinking it, sometimes finding words you didn't know you needed to say until you hear them in your own voice. I think I've altered my view of things, a little. Talking with the gang and then Brent afterwards, it occurred to me that relationships really do take work- the important ones, anyway. It's not as simple as "I like spending time with you, let's be together." It's learning who they are, and who you are in their eyes- maybe even who you are in your own eyes, and sometimes discovering that you don't look as good to them as you thought you did, or, oppositely, that there's room for improvement on their part. And that may mean that you work harder, to be yourself, but the best version of yourself you can be, and hope that you'll be good enough to deserve them, that they'll count themselves as blessed to have you as you do them. Or it may mean that you work with them to correct what could be better, to point out what's bothering you and make it right. Perhaps both at the same time. But either way, it takes a clarity of perspective and a will to make the effort, to grow. Here's to hoping we grow together. ♥

Oh, wow. Going back and reading livejournal posts from a few weeks to a few months ago is alarming and I just want to go back in time and shake myself, snap me out of it. Because I had no idea what I was doing, and the things I was feeling- while real and enormous at the time- were actually small and fairly insignificant even, in some places. I think sometimes I wanted to feel or be or do something so much that I convinced myself I was, if that makes any sense. Yes, some experiences were necessary, a setting up and breaking-in to new things, things I was entirely clueless about, no matter what books I'd read or what I thought I knew. If I didn't have those experiences, I wouldn't be able to stand where I am, but that doesn't mean they were that monumental. simply part of a growth process that I'm sure everyone goes through. The things I wrote in my live journal....I don't agree with them anymore. I want to go into each one and edit it, reform the words into sense and reality, through the lens of retrospection. But I know I shouldn't, since that's what I wrote and felt at the time, and I shouldn't erase what came from the heart; even if it was a heart that was fooling itself.

But everything is so different now. As if.... before, I was feeling the trickle of water through a faucet, and calling it a flood. Or light through a keyhole and calling it the sun. It's that ridiculously different.

Just. *facepalm*

I made a tumblr. It needs work. But I like it.

I wrote a livejournal post on receipt paper at work a few days ago that I need to post. I'll do that after I clean my room and kill myself to be rid of allergies. ugg, my sinuses.

My new years was good, and I hope yours was as well! <3

【THE TIME CAPSULE MEME】

Real post coming soon, I promise! But It'd be really cool if you guys all contributed to this. <3

Good day, today. Went to Universal with Brenton and his best friend Deryk, and the three of us get along great. We all make fun of each other pretty equally, but none of us take it seriously or get offended, and we mess with each other. And Deryk's personality is so strong that he didn't seem to feel like a third wheel, even when Brent and I were kissing and hugging and touching the whole day. :)

Then, we parted ways briefly to get cleaned up and Nicole came over, so that together we could proceed to Brent's dorm, where we finished watching Shawshank Redemption because Nicole really wanted to see the rest, and then hung out the rest of the night. It was fun. We thought Nicole and Deryk would get along really well, but maybe they were too alike, because they argued and dug at each other the whole night, and when questioned seperately, said they enjoyed themselves but didn't really care one way or the other about each other. Oh well.

Hoping tomorrow is also a good day, but I'm dead tired now. Night!