Hands, · Like · Secrets, · Are · the · Hardest · Things · to · Keep · From · You

Oh, wow. Going back and reading livejournal posts from a few weeks to a few months ago is alarming and I just want to go back in time and shake myself, snap me out of it. Because I had no idea what I was doing, and the things I was feeling- while real and enormous at the time- were actually small and fairly insignificant even, in some places. I think sometimes I wanted to feel or be or do something so much that I convinced myself I was, if that makes any sense. Yes, some experiences were necessary, a setting up and breaking-in to new things, things I was entirely clueless about, no matter what books I'd read or what I thought I knew. If I didn't have those experiences, I wouldn't be able to stand where I am, but that doesn't mean they were that monumental. simply part of a growth process that I'm sure everyone goes through. The things I wrote in my live journal....I don't agree with them anymore. I want to go into each one and edit it, reform the words into sense and reality, through the lens of retrospection. But I know I shouldn't, since that's what I wrote and felt at the time, and I shouldn't erase what came from the heart; even if it was a heart that was fooling itself.

But everything is so different now. As if.... before, I was feeling the trickle of water through a faucet, and calling it a flood. Or light through a keyhole and calling it the sun. It's that ridiculously different.

Just. *facepalm*