Hands, Like Secrets, Are the Hardest Things to Keep From You

I love you, but you trouble me

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 04:16:52 GMT

The word of the day is Dynamic. As in, I need to be dynamic to a degree that is nearly impossible if everything is going to work.

Time to step up to the plate and be an adult, in every level of my life. God give me strength.

maybe I'm just not cut out for this whole "be an adult" thing

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 04:06:06 GMT

I haven't felt this fucking lonely in forever, and I can't even talk about it. I just needed to tell someone.

Hey kids

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 18:10:35 GMT

Sitting in my advertising class, waiting for it to start. Just came from having lunch- and more importantly, a long conversation with Brenton. I think we're (or more likely, I) am getting better at communicating ideas and viewpoints that disagree without getting emotionally tangled or defensive or aggressive or misunderstanding. It was nice, and intellectually refreshing. We talked about Cassi (his ex), and my parents, and Rachel, and why people stay in relationships that don't make them more happy than unhappy, and why Brenton is not one of those people. His arguments and reasons are logical...so maybe that's why is is such an odd creature; most people don't. We came to to conclusion that most people would rather have the happiness they can get, even if that means having more bad than good, because without it, they're neutral, they have nothing, and that's boring. Brent is not like that because he is incapable of being neutral. If his main source of happiness is taken away, he has the capability of creating his own happiness, and of finding it elsewhere. He won't stay in a situation where he is more than 50% unhappy because of that situation. Of course it comes down to statistics with him. :p

Anyway. After our recent concersations about men and the way they think, and my struggle to process all of that, accept it, and be ok with it, I'm finally starting to level out and not want to bash my head in when I look at a situation in this new perspective, or feel really bitter that my hopeful, optimistic girly perspective is a Lie or Stupid or something that is used against me. That's not completely gone yet, but I'm working on it. Sometimes I really wish I could be a lesbian- life would be so much easier. Women just want to be loved, while boys want to be loved and desired and want sex and pride and fun without strings, and to be better than other guys, and not to settle down, for the most part. Stupid boys.

But anyway. I'm doing well, and hope you all are too.

I'll try to update more, there is more going on, but it gets tedious when it's going on in RL, so I don't feel like talking about it here.
Just a brief tally of some events:
-My mom left for her 3 week trip to Europe today
-I started painting more; currently working on a surreal piece of jellyfish and an octopus versus- wait for it... venus flytraps. yeah, it looks about at crazy as it sounds. :)
-I hate my job at Kohl's, and need to get another. My mom is pushing me to go to a temp agency and get work through that. It is one of those things I find very hard to get done. Like trying to move a brick wall. That's what it feel like. Ugg.

Mkay, all I have time for now. See you.

A dream of togetherness, turned into a brighter mess

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:27:54 GMT

It's been too long, el jay and associated friends. I miss you. Hope you are doing well. I am.

The rents are out of town for almost two weeks, visiting my favorite aunt up in Virgina just because they had points toward free plane tickets that were going to expire. Wish I could have gone with them, but it cost mulah and I have to work. Finally opened my availability and they gave me a few more hours- almost quadruple this week, actually. Mixed feelings about this, because I am très lazy, but I could use the money.

Been fixing my car for the past few days- she desperately needed a new suspension, and Brenton volunteered. So my garage looks like a toolchest exploded around my jacked-up car. It's frustrating work. I try to help, but sometimes I get in the way more than anything, and when he's stressed, Brent can be shirty about it. But otherwise, we're good. Better lately, if anything. After my horribly botched attempt to explain via letter that I would really like a little Romance and sweetness out of him- a difficult subject, because for one, I am a hopeless, hopeless Romantic and Brenton is pretty much the exact opposite, so I end up feeling starved for romance, and for another, because we have different views of caring for someone, or expressing it, I guess. For example, him fixing my car is a huge, wonderful gift to me, and I really appreciate it; but all the same, buying me flowers would probably mean more to me. This goes against logic, and I'm pretty sure Brenton doesn't see any sense in it. But hey, I can pay a mechanic to fix my car. I can't pay anyone to execute simple acts of romance that have no purpose other than to display affection for someone. Or maybe you can, I don't know. But it wouldn't mean anything unless it came from Brenton. Anyway, I digress. After the Letter Incident, similar to Chernobyl on a scale of Things That Went Well, he actually has been sweeter, and I feel really close to him again. It's amazing how tiny little things can fill me with such satisfaction, such complete happiness. A kiss on my hand. A sleepy-mumbled "I love you". A hand asking to hold mine, when I know he doesn't like holding hands very much. So I am a little torn between knocking my head against the wall repeatedly after the initial letter Incident Reaction, or being reluctantly glad I did it, because it kind of helped...

In other news, and totally out of left field, my father suggested and then set up a 4-day cruise for me ans Brenton. Alone. Talk about odd. It came about when my parents were talking about going on a cruise with an organization my dad belongs to, and I asked if I was invited. This cruise was his counter-offer. I think I can out of top of that one, you guys. So it goes to Nassau and Coco Cay in the Bahamas. In August, a few days after the Coldplay concert I am taking Brenton to for his 21st Birthday. Awesome. For the first time possibly ever, I can't wait for most of summer to be over. :)

That's all I have to say tonight, folks. Let me know how you're doing. <3

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:58:51 GMT

I am really good at saying the wrong things, and bad at making up for them. FML.

John Mayer, never leave me

Wed, 06 May 2009 05:22:55 GMT

So, I thought I was tired after watching Star Wars with Brent, but then I drove home listening to John Mayer and somewhere between then and brushing my teeth I got a boost in energy- the excited, do-something kind. I think it's the thinking about the trip that did it. We leave for Georgia on Thursday,Brenton and I. Visiting his friends Nicole and Drew, celebrating their graduation with them, and then the four of us are going camping in North Carolina. I'm really looking forward to it. I have to remind myself to take a journal with me- I always enjoy writing about trips as they happen.

I'm trying to think of other things going on but everything I come up with is boring or too complicated for the amount of effort I feel like putting into writing it. Brenton is suddenly freaking out every time the word "marriage" or anything related is mentioned, to my bafflement. He's the one who wanted to have the marriage/kids conversation a couple months ago, but now he's skittish if the topic is brought up, in no relation at all to me or him or us? What the hell?

I really don't feel like discussing the insecurity issues this may or may not be giving me. In fact, I think I'll quit this entry while I'm ahead. Suffice it to say, I'm doing okay right now, and I'm really excited for summer. I miss all my friends that have been away at school or just busy, and can't wait to hang out with everyone when I get back from Georgia. Hope you all are doing wellll!

(Also, an observation: one's Asian Drama watching increases exponentially with the introduction of a Drama-watching room mate. :)

ALSO ALSO HEEYYY KIDS. I NEED NEW MUSIC. REC ME SOME PLEASE.

This icon brought to you by the mention of Sunshine. And because I still love Cillian's face.

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:45:00 GMT

Quick update. I don't really have time for a solid post, but I feel like it. :)

Yesterday was going to suck- I was sure of it. I worked, and had less fun classes, and an appointment with my advisor, and probably wouldn't see Brenton. But! It was actually a pretty good day. Astronomy was awesome, we talked about black holes and the fabric of spacetime- one of my favorite space subjects. I even learned the reason Sunshine was accurate towards the end of the movie- time is slower near large objects, because their gravity bends spacetime. I think this stuff is awesome. Yes, I am a giant nerd.

My Music and the Brian class was a concert by the teacher- a famous Japanese Violinist, and another professor- a pianist. Very cool.

My advisor appointment was neither scary nor worrying. I have a lot of freedom to choose classes, I declared a minor in psychology, and I can apply to the Ad/PR major this summer. Way ahead of schedule. Still need to pick classes, though.

Saw Brent for lunch (well, his lunch. I got a smoothie with a kid from M&B that I ran into that's pretty cool.) and then I was in a good mood, so work wasn't as torturous as usual. Then Brent was waiting for me outside of Kohl's, and we went back t my house, where I finished writing my play for Creative Writing (my last assignment! This is both happy and sad.) And Rachel and I are going to have an Asian Drama marathon tonight. Really excited. Think I'm going to make her watch Devil Beside You, because I heard the theme song on my iPod yesterday, and also, Coffee Prince is down on Mysoju. :/ Think that's it. More to tell, maybe, but that's for another post. A special-locked one, perhaps. Good stuff. :)

<333

Mash Game: Predict Your Future at eSPIN-the-Bottle

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 04:18:34 GMT



		I will marry Brenton.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in BFE in our fabulous Apartment.
		We will have 2 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a blue Ranger.
		I will spend my days as a prostitute, and live happily ever after.

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 04:33:31 GMT

Brenton used the phrase "married in the eyes of the lord" tonight, and my heart did a somersault into my stomach. I've heard those words so many times growing up; to hear him say them did strange, lovely things to me. Oh dear.

I've skipped two of three Public relations classes so far this week in favor of seeing him. Granted, PR is a joke of a class, but my good girl principles are not easily overcome.

I love this boy too much. ♥

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 03:48:23 GMT

today was a bad day.

For my Creative Writing class

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 01:10:51 GMT

I needed someplace I could put this and access it later- but if you want to read it, I'd love the feedback.

I
Something was wrong; something beyond the usual residual anger of a fight between friends pressed like a headache into my skull, and it worried me. Nicole and I hadn't spoken since our text-message argument: venomous volleys shot back and forth over a whole lot of nothing. But even when I called her, leaving messages of apology, and sent emails and texts asking if everything was okay, I didn't expect her response, not in a million years; "No, everything is not okay. I am reassessing our friendship, and whether I want to be friends with you anymore." I remember getting that text while driving to school and the shock of it almost sent me swerving, my composure shaken and the drivers around me in danger by my proximity.

But this little exchange was nothing, and did nothing to brace me for the calamity that followed. When Nicole decided to end our friendship, she sent me a list of reasons in an email, a declaration of independence from me, and each one ripped me further to shreds. I can so vividly recall the quality of the gray light, that afternoon, slipping in through the blinds of my bathroom window, as I sat on my shower floor, unable to support myself against the weight of grief that overwhelmed me. The hot water was more for convenience than comfort; it washed away the tears and snot, and covered the sound of my sobs, which escaped my throat without asking. I was too undone to control them, coming apart under the force of despair and confusion I felt in that moment. Nicole had become my dearest friend, closer and more precious to me than my own sister. To lose her now, by her choice, was a blow I was not prepared to receive. I'll never forget that sharp ache in my chest, my grief manifesting into physical pain. I've never cried so hard in my life.

II
I was pretty confident that at 17, I could handle being home alone for a weekend while my parents took a trip up North. I could make my own food, I knew where the dog's things were, and the house had an alarm, so I was safe. So when I had taken care of everything and closed up the house for the night, I wasn't too frightened by the darkness, or the sound of leaves shuffling outside, or being the only one there.

I had just drifted off to sleep on that quiet Sunday evening, when I was violently ejected from my bed by the loud, rapid pulse of the alarm, my body acting on instinct before I knew what was going on. Without stopping to think, my veins flooded with the hot sting of adrenaline and fear, I grabbed my phone from my dresser and shot myself across the room into my closet, closing the door and fumbling to flip open my cell, as I attempted to stifle my terrified gasps. I was horrified to realize that the closet door had no lock, and I hadn't stopped to lock my bedroom door- there was no barrier, however ineffective it might have been, between me and the unknown. My heart must have traveled up into my ears, the beat was so loud, almost loud enough to drown out the alarm, which continued to chase fear into ever corner of my mind. It knew it couldn't be coincidence, that I was home alone the night the alarm went off- it only made sense that someone knew I was alone, had been watching me and just waiting to pounce....

Opening my phone was an ordeal, the screen and buttons lighting up like a beacon, and irrationally I thought Too bright! Too bright! They'll see it and find me... Tears leaked out of my eyes, so that the keys of my phone were blurred, but I knew the positions of 911 by heart. How odd it was, to see the screen turn red-orange, the word EMERGENCY appearing above the three numbers I had pressed, once I hit the call button- as if to remind me that I was in danger- while the evidence of it reverberated unceasingly in my ears. The woman who answered my call sounded calm; much, much too calm for the circumstances. In a wobbly, terrified whisper, I told her I was home alone, and my house alarm had gone off, but she seemed unimpressed, asking me questions like "Can you hear anything, like glass breaking, or voices?" and I would try to listen, over the blood storming my hears, and the piercing alarm, and the voice inside of me that was screaming, just screaming....but I heard nothing. She asked, "Do you know of anyone who could be playing a practical joke on you?" And I thought of my friends- but none of them would go beyond TPing my yard, I was sure. The woman told me she had sent out a dispatch call, but that it could take a while for an officer to get there, since it was a busy night downtown - something was going down that needed more attention than some girl hiding in her closet, I surmised. I asked if I should call my parents and let them know what was going on- the detachment in her voice causing me to crave comfort and familiarity, but she told me if I did, I wouldn't get her back on the phone. So I sat there, silently praying- praying I wouldn't die, but even more that I wouldn't be raped, asking God to take my life quickly before that happened. For forty five minutes I sat there, shaking, crying, and too afraid to talk to the cold woman who was my lifeline, lest intruders hear me. My mind turned every tiny sound into the opening of my door, of someone walking through the house. And then--- the house alarm shut off. This scared me nearly as much as its going off had. I struggled to listen for anything, but the silence was complete...and this bothered me. Why weren't the dogs barking? Shouldn't they be? Worry further tangled with my fears, and it was another anxious 20 minutes before the doorbell rang. The woman told me it would probably be the police officer, and that I should go ask who it is. Stumbling over my numb leg, which had fallen asleep long ago, I cautiously made my way to the door, with wild eyes darting to every corner, but I saw nothing. I pushed the button of the intercom and asked who was there, but no one answered. The woman told me that I shouldn't answer the door then- as if I needed another reason to panic. Finally, the woman told me she'd confirmed that it was a police officer, and I could open the door. He looked around, but could only offer the explanation that there was an electrical short that set it off, or the wind jingling the doors. For months afterwards, I had night terrors, or was too afraid to sleep, and came to my parents room like a child after a nightmare, seeking comfort when I was so sure someone was coming for me. The sound of the alarm still sends a jolt of pure fear through me.

III
It was a good, long summer I was enjoying, nearly halfway done by the time everything started. Maybe three weeks had passed since I had known Jake Darin as more than a boy who went to my high school, but things had moved quickly- too quickly for my emotions to keep up. I had been amused when he wrote in my yearbook, "If I forget to call, or you get bored first, or if that's not really your number you gave me and it's an animal shelter, here's mine." I was cautiously optimistic about being friends with him when he sent me the text, "Cory O'Born, it's summer. And I'm bored." I was pleasantly surprised when the first couple of awkward times we hung out, he would so easily dispel the tension of getting-to-know-you chit chat with lines like, "Well, I was born in a log cabin that I helped my father build." But as the time we spent together lengthened, and our friendship expanded as quickly as those Watch It Grow! Dollar-store toys, my feelings had a hard time catching up. I knew he liked me, and it was certainly flattering. He was nearly perfect, too; clever, smart, funny, sarcastic, and interested in art and philosophy as well as basketball and karate. But I couldn't find reciprocal feelings inside me. I could be this boy's best friend, but I couldn’t like him as anything more. Yet, contrary to this resolution, I flirted, and missed him when he wasn't there, and invited him over to family parties...

Three weeks after the first text message, he came to one, watching fireworks and marveling that my family was so big that an anonymous boy hanging out with their daughter-niece-sister-cousin didn't have to be introduced to each person we passed. We played Uno with my cousins, his sock-covered feet brushing my bare ones under the table, and our laughter the loudest in the house. But time slipped by much too quickly, and before we knew it, everyone had left. Yet I wasn't ready to say good night to Jake, so I took him for a walk to my favorite place: the playground behind my elementary school. The summer air was heavy and warm as we walked beneath the intermittent light of orange streetlamps, and I was conscious of how frizzy my hair must be. Our conversation was teasing and light, but our arms brushed occasionally, a reminder that something weighty hung between us. I could feel it, something building up, a cataclysm- but there was no way to stop it, and I denied any such occurrence to myself. I was on a downhill path, with no breaks, and only a vague idea of what lay at the bottom, so I pretended that I didn't know it was happening.

We reached the gate, padding across cool sand to the jungle gym. I stood on a platform below him, and we played a game of tic-tac-toe on the swiveling faded plastic blocks. In a flash, he had won, using the trick I always forget about, and I stood motionless, fruitlessly attempting to gather my thoughts amongst the quickening currents of tension I could feel. "Do you want to play again?" Jake asked. I said no, and as I raised my eyes to meet his, my stomach inside out, Time itself seemed to stretch, deep breathes infinitely long, and a thousand thoughts flitting through my mind, slippery as fish, not a one I could hold on to. Unable to fight the pull, I succumbed to the inevitable, and closing my eyes an eternity later, let him lace his fingers with mine and kiss me. It couldn't have lasted for more than a few seconds, but every quickened heart beat roaring in my ears took millennia, before our awkward lips parted. Then, like the snap of a rubber band, time smacked back into place, and my brain went into overdrive, just a step below panic mode. I sucked in gasps of air, and to avoid looking at him, tilted my head to the sky. More than anything that night, I remember how clear and bright the stars were, looking down passively on a human exchange they'd seen trillions of times, and the hot summer air suddenly felt chilly. I couldn't think, I was thinking so much. Desperate to say something, I stuttered "Is it weird to tell you that was my first kiss?" The stars still caught my gaze, my face upturned, so he mumbled no, and kissed the side of my face- and WHAM, the reaction I had been waiting for from myself slammed into me, a massive wave of wrongness. It felt like driving up the WRONG WAY ramp. A sense of panic and the need to back peddle had me pulling away, the words out of my mouth before I knew what they were, "Is it weird to tell you I don't know how I feel about this?" At that point, I really didn't. I liked him enough to want to stay friends, for sure, but here, there be dragons.

Months later, I know that that feeling of wrongness was right.

IV
Some people are deathly afraid of bugs- the crawling legs, the feelers, the shiny exoskeletons and massively-proportioned mandibles, the clicking. I myself don't fear them to the point of irrationality, but I do count them among a list of things I hate, just above black olives, but below sore throats. They serve their purpose in the food chain, a necessary element of nature- but I don't think they need to pinch themselves beneath the walls of my house and hide in shadowed corners, laying eggs or, it seems, lying in wait to attack the unsuspecting. For instance, I really believe that when I was watching TV with my mom in her bedroom a few months ago, it was entirely reasonable of me to expect no attack from the insect world. It was a relaxed evening, and we lay reclined, warm under the covers and the atmosphere of mother-daughter bonding, when I felt that funny scalp itch tingle on my head- you know, the one where you feel like there's something moving through your hair, but really it's only nerves? So I reached up thoughtlessly to scratch it away, my focus on the TV show.

I was not prepared to feel the slick body of a large cockroach burrowing though my hair- in all honesty, it must have been three inches long. The realization took milliseconds, my fingers pulling the vermin off of me in one swift movement. I scrambled out from under the covers, rocketing off the bed to the floor where I furiously combed my fingers through my locks, shaking my head like a wet dog, desperate to rid myself of even the memory of spinney legs and moist, probing jaws. It was about this time that I heard the sounds I was making- deafening shrikes and an undulation of sound I am certain I have never made before or since. My mother, Iron Woman that she is, had recovered from the shock and killed my attacker by the time I had turned around. But even the thought of roaches still makes my scalp itch, and I shiver every time I tell that story.

V

Family vacations are an annual tradition that I’ve come to expect. Since I had grown a little older, my parents had started including me in the discussion of where to go each summer. At first, when the Grand Canyon was suggested, I was apathetic- I’d seen pictures, and it sounded like the sum of available activities was to ride tired donkeys and get sunburned- no thanks. But months before our plans were finalized, I saw a program on the travel channel about Zion National Park in Utah, and I was sold. It became an addition to our Grand Canyon vacation- but to me, it was the main destination.

The park is laid out in an interesting manner, with flat or gently sloping plains of grass and groups of trees interrupted by great slabs of red rock rising abruptly out of the ground. In some places, these walls stand alone, distant from their brothers, but others climb closely together, forming corridors hundred of feet high. It is one of the most beautiful parks in the nation, famous especially for its hiking path through the Narrows, one such close canyon with a shallow river cutting through it. This was our chosen path.

We rented river boots and strong walking sticks, necessities if you planned on hiking seriously. The day was blisteringly hot and dry, but the river, fed by snowmelt, was icy. The combination was both refreshing and exhilarating, driving us forward, deeper into the 16-mile canyon. In some places, the water trickled gently over smooth stones, and each step we took clip-clopped them together; in other places, the jade water pooled deeper, knee-high, thigh-high, each dip a thrilling adventure, and saturating me with energy, the push to go further. The curves of the Narrows weave in and out of the path of the sun, in some places lit brilliantly, so that stone and water sparkle, and in others shaded, so intensely colorful that I no picture I took could do it justice.

I am not an athletic person. I don’t really enjoy the burn of using muscles to their limit, or achieving physical goals; but that day, drawn past walls of dark green moss on ochre stone, around great boulders and little islands of sand and trees, I could have gone on walking forever. It killed me, when eight miles in, our allotted time ran out and we had to turn around in order to stay on schedule. In all the amazing places I’ve been, all the interesting and unique experiences I’ve had, none ever made me feel as alive as that river and those walls of rock did. Some day, I will go back and follow the path to its end.

Just Dance!

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 04:19:26 GMT

Today was a good day- as was yesterday. Spent a lot of time with Brenton. He makes me really, really happy. :)

Felt relatively prepared for the three tests I took (and was correct in thinking so, at least in the case of my Psych class, on which test I got a 92- the others aren't graded yet), and had a fun time with Shannon, Brenton's friend who is a little crazy, but a lot of fun. She got me to make a video of us dancing today. Want to see? heh. We're silly. And those posters in the background belong to Brent's roommates, fyi. Classy bunch.

We're starting creative non-fiction in my creative writing class, and I'm excited.

Not a whole lot else to say- just that I'm happy and hope you all are too. ♥

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 04:49:19 GMT

I'm really too tired to be updating, but I feel like I need to.

Past few days have been good; Brent and I have talked about a lot of different things, and I don't know if that's the reason, or at least the only one, but I'm happy. I love when he references the future, somehow. Like when I was talking about his snoring, he told me I better get used to it, or when I mentioned my fear of bugs, he said that would be a problem if/when we go camping. :) And then, the other night, we were discussing back burners- that is, people we have "set up" to replace each other if things went sour between us (he was joking that all his back burners were abandoning him) and he said that these people he'd mentioned would only happen if death or other unforeseen circumstances caused us to part, and then it would be a way to assuage grief, and be something he's regret for the rest of his life after that. He added, "Did you like that? 'Death or unforeseen circumstances'? I thought of 'til death do us part', but it seemed too cliche." I liked that he said that. A lot. :] Also, he's been very affectionate, which always makes me happier.

The other thing I wanted to post about was my dad. Tomorrow is his surgical procedure, to close the artery that his fourth brain tumor is wrapped around (I have no idea if I've brought any on this up before, guys. But he's had three brain tumors in the part, all taken out or killed in various ways and now this one is near his optic nerve and a big artery, so they have to close the artery to cut it out with the tumor, since they are twined together This procedure is the first part; the removal of the tumor comes later.) Anyway, it's dangerous, and I'm scared, and my dad is making jokes like he's going to die, and we need your prayers, if you're so inclined. I had a horrible thought tonight, while we were driving home from the SAK Comedy Club, and Brenton had laid his head in my lap in the back seat and gone to sleep; I was musing how happy I was, looking down at him, and I thought,"What if this is the last time I'm truly happy, that everything is right in my life, for a long time?" If something happens to my dad... I am trying not to think about it.

But I am really tired now, and I need to shower and sleep. I'll keep you posted on everything.

Love,
Cory

I guess that long post gave me the craving to update more

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 07:07:02 GMT

Today was a middle day. It wasn't great, although I enjoyed seeing Sarah, Eddie, and Kelsey, along with Deryk and Brent later; and it wasn't a bad day, although it was a bit dull in places and I couldn't shake an odd sensation of loneliness- the origins of which I can't place. The times when I found myself alone, mostly driving, I was thinking a lot. Had a talk with God- nothing I hadn't prayed about before, but it gave me a boost that I'd needed.

It's a little weird-feeling, praying out loud in the car, hearing yourself speak instead of thinking it, sometimes finding words you didn't know you needed to say until you hear them in your own voice. I think I've altered my view of things, a little. Talking with the gang and then Brent afterwards, it occurred to me that relationships really do take work- the important ones, anyway. It's not as simple as "I like spending time with you, let's be together." It's learning who they are, and who you are in their eyes- maybe even who you are in your own eyes, and sometimes discovering that you don't look as good to them as you thought you did, or, oppositely, that there's room for improvement on their part. And that may mean that you work harder, to be yourself, but the best version of yourself you can be, and hope that you'll be good enough to deserve them, that they'll count themselves as blessed to have you as you do them. Or it may mean that you work with them to correct what could be better, to point out what's bothering you and make it right. Perhaps both at the same time. But either way, it takes a clarity of perspective and a will to make the effort, to grow. Here's to hoping we grow together. ♥

Or maybe I've just changed. Who knows.

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:24:54 GMT

Oh, wow. Going back and reading livejournal posts from a few weeks to a few months ago is alarming and I just want to go back in time and shake myself, snap me out of it. Because I had no idea what I was doing, and the things I was feeling- while real and enormous at the time- were actually small and fairly insignificant even, in some places. I think sometimes I wanted to feel or be or do something so much that I convinced myself I was, if that makes any sense. Yes, some experiences were necessary, a setting up and breaking-in to new things, things I was entirely clueless about, no matter what books I'd read or what I thought I knew. If I didn't have those experiences, I wouldn't be able to stand where I am, but that doesn't mean they were that monumental. simply part of a growth process that I'm sure everyone goes through. The things I wrote in my live journal....I don't agree with them anymore. I want to go into each one and edit it, reform the words into sense and reality, through the lens of retrospection. But I know I shouldn't, since that's what I wrote and felt at the time, and I shouldn't erase what came from the heart; even if it was a heart that was fooling itself.

But everything is so different now. As if.... before, I was feeling the trickle of water through a faucet, and calling it a flood. Or light through a keyhole and calling it the sun. It's that ridiculously different.

Just. *facepalm*

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:13:47 GMT

gip, because I found Cillian icons and omg, have I missed my Secret Irish Boyfriend. This is his "Really, bitch?" face. And yet he is still so pretty. :]

We Already Know...

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:19:51 GMT

I made a tumblr. It needs work. But I like it.

I wrote a livejournal post on receipt paper at work a few days ago that I need to post. I'll do that after I clean my room and kill myself to be rid of allergies. ugg, my sinuses.

My new years was good, and I hope yours was as well! <3

When you die, you have to leave them behind; you should keep that in mind

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:52:00 GMT

【THE TIME CAPSULE MEME】

Real post coming soon, I promise! But It'd be really cool if you guys all contributed to this. <3

Little Update

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 06:20:06 GMT

Good day, today. Went to Universal with Brenton and his best friend Deryk, and the three of us get along great. We all make fun of each other pretty equally, but none of us take it seriously or get offended, and we mess with each other. And Deryk's personality is so strong that he didn't seem to feel like a third wheel, even when Brent and I were kissing and hugging and touching the whole day. :)

Then, we parted ways briefly to get cleaned up and Nicole came over, so that together we could proceed to Brent's dorm, where we finished watching Shawshank Redemption because Nicole really wanted to see the rest, and then hung out the rest of the night. It was fun. We thought Nicole and Deryk would get along really well, but maybe they were too alike, because they argued and dug at each other the whole night, and when questioned seperately, said they enjoyed themselves but didn't really care one way or the other about each other. Oh well.

Hoping tomorrow is also a good day, but I'm dead tired now. Night!

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 03:47:47 GMT

You know what I love? Forgetting to do online homework for honors symposium. And then when I got to do it, it taking 5,000 years to load. That's my favorite.

Otherwise, though. Otherwise, I can't even remember being this happy. ♥

Woo, no longer single!

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 05:29:25 GMT

annnnndddd I have a boyfriend. :) It wasn't the big event I expected- Brent said Nicole had been pushing him to do something huge and romantic but he got tired of how complicated it was getting, so he just said, "How would you feel if tomorrow, at my Grandpa's, instead of introducing you as my friend Cory, I introduce you as my girlfriend Cory?" And I said I'd like that and that was that. A bit of a let down, I have to admit, after I became aware of some big plan being concocted and then nothing of the sort happening, but I'm sure there will be other opportunities for special romantic things in our future. :] I for one plan on making gushy romanic mixes all the time for him. :p

Tonight we kissed for the first time, in Parking Garage A on campus as he dropped me off at my car. It was a small kiss, and really sweet. :)

Anyway. just keeping you updated. Night, all!

bored at school!

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 12:54:13 GMT

Updating from capmus today! Sitting in front of the fountain, enjoying the free wifi and the company of my ipod. My 9:00 class was cancelled, but I had to get up for my 7:30 statistic class. joy. I should probably be studying for my geology test later today, but I don't feel like it. Look, I'll show you my view instead! Go-go-gadget webcam!

Skateboarders keep zooming past me and I have to squash the urge to stick a leg out and send them flying. Down, evil tendencies, down.

So, maybe going to busch gardens saturday with Rachel, her soon-to-not-be-ex-anymore boyfriend (the one who broke her heart, but now wants her back and she loves him and is forgiving him and I am destroyed by envy and the similarity of circumstance that ends now) and brenton. But whether I go with them or not, I have a platonic date with skylar gaspa, a boy from my AP govt class that I am so in love with, minus any romantic feelings. He's like a teddy bear, and I'm so excited to see him.

ION, I'mm turning 19 in 5 days, and my birthday present came early- I now have unlimited text messaging!! Finally. I'm thrilled. Brent got me hooked on Twitter already, so if any of you use it, my sn on it is the same as here. If you have unlimited and don't know what twitter is, I suggest you check it out. It's fun. :)

Yesterday I was so bored at work I started composing haiku; my coworkers were amused. My favorite is:

Dear Kohl's Customer,
the 1990's called you-
they want their hair back.

Haha.

How mad am I that gossip girls wasn't on this week? Very mad.

How are you, flist? Have a meme:

What was your favorite color as a child, and what smell never fails to trigger a memory of your childhood?

I'll go first- I used to love purple a whole lot, and I have a lipbalm that smells and tastes exactly like the lowfat lemon girl scout cookies they used to make- I loved those things. But they don't make them anymore, so it makes me nostalgic for them when I use the lipbalm.

Your turn!

<3

Rambling poets, manic with vision; we are the drivers and yet we feel driven

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 02:58:45 GMT

I keep meaning to update about CoLlEgE and everything, but everytime I find myself available, I'm too tired. So, to sum up, I had a good first week, made at least 2 really good friends, hung out with old and new friends nearly everyday, was pranked and pulled a prank in return, and missed The Boy a lot. Details like schedule changes and repressed angst will have to come later. (or not at all, if I can help it.)

Also, I nearly took half my big toenail off in a game of human fooseball. I'm like Nearly Headless Nick, only, toenail-wise. Oh, college. Why do I feel our relationship is never going to be mild, but insead will fluctate between fantastic and disasterous?

heyyyy my writing friends!

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 05:41:42 GMT

I need a beta reader for this poem that I wrote and kind of like but it's super rough. Also, it's a little emo. But I think I'm allowed that?

I have discovered a door
At the end of a long hallway,
Lit intermittently so that
Bright pools of light are
Buffeted by uncertain shadows.

Still, the journey there was worth it.

I have discovered a door
That I recognized from stories
And glimpsed in my dreams
But never seen with my own eyes;
It looks different from my expectations.

That was likely why it took me so long so open it.

My decision shimmered like a desert mirage
Shivering in and out of existence
So that I was moving towards it
Even when I could no longer see it.
I would not open it; I could not.

But my hand reached for the handle anyway.

I was drawn forward, each step
A more wonderful conflict
Filling me with equal parts
Joy and pain, a warm ache
Centered in the vicinity of my chest.

And finally, I opened the door.

Inside were great rooms,
So lovely and open;
They sat in waiting
to be filled with whatever
furnishings I could imagine.

I loved them immediately, and longed to make them full.

Yet when I turned around,
The door had shut;
I was too late, I waited too long.
The great rooms were mine,
but I found I had nothing to put in them.

From floor to vaulted ceilings, these rooms will stay empty.

The echo of my voice the only sound
that will enter them,
the reflection of twilight
on bare floors, the only light
that will shine in them.

And in my heart, a vast, bare emptiness opens up to match.
----------------------------

Suggestions? Questions? Comments?

Not-really BD spoilers.

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 04:59:23 GMT

So I went to the Breaking Dawn release with Nicole, (uh, did I tell you guys we patched things up? Because we did. And there wasn't much story to go along with that- I sent her a facebook message, she responded, we started talking, the end) my cousin Erin, and Katie, who Nicole and I know mutually. It was fun, but Nicole and I, wearing our Team Jacob shirts, were definitely in the minority. My favorite part of the evening was the trivia. Not only was it a fun challenge, but one of the questions was "What does Jacob Black keep destroying every time he transforms?" And impulsively, riding a giddiness and pride of being a Jacob fan, I yelled out, in a crowd of 30 or 40 women and girls: "My virginity!" which you can imagine got a lot of shocked laughs and few cheers and tittering and a high-five from a Team Edward Twilight Mom, of all people. Weird.

Erin and I stayed up til 5 reading the book. I got 2/3rd of the way finished, but I had to work at 4 the next day, so I called it a night before I felt like I wanted to. When I did finally finish it monday morning, my first reaction was "Ok, that was entertaining. But who the heck wrote this book?" It's really that different from the rest, but also nearly-sort-of what I expected, in some ways.

This summer is flying by so fast, and I don't want it to end at the same time I'm glad it will. Life, why are you so complicated.

<3